One of the most powerful tools trusted adults have to support struggling youth is one most of us are afraid to use. It is not therapy. It is not a consequence. It is discipline - and not the way you probably think about it.
When I went directly to the source and asked kids and young adults what the word discipline means to them, their answers completely changed how I see this word. Not one of them said punishment. Not one said consequence. What they described was something far more important, and far more hopeful, for any trusted adult trying to connect with the young people in their life.
Here are five things I discovered, and what they mean for you.
Discovery 1: Kids Do Not Define Discipline the Way We Do
When I asked kindergartners what the word discipline means, most looked back at me and said, "What does that mean?" Young kids had almost no negative associations with it at all. And grade fours? They said discipline keeps things "orderly and peaceful."
The adults I spoke with hated the word. They called it punitive and archaic. Understanding youth behaviour starts with understanding this gap: we are projecting our own baggage onto a word that young people have not yet learned to fear. They are not afraid of discipline. We are.
What you can do:
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Elementary age: Create environments with predictable, peaceful routines. Consistent follow-through and calm structure are stabilising for young kids, not restrictive.
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Middle school age: Notice whether your reaction is about the young person's behaviour or your own history. When the response feels disproportionate, that is worth pausing on.
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High school age: Have honest conversations about what expectations mean and why. Teens are far more willing to cooperate when they understand the reason behind a limit.
Discovery 2: Young People Want Us to Teach Them Self-Discipline
Every single young person I interviewed defined discipline as something internal - something they needed for themselves. One youth who had dropped out in grade seven said: "I need discipline so I don't use drugs, so I can get to work on time, so I can support myself." A young man now starting his own company said the same thing. They were not talking about rules. They were talking about how to regulate themselves in a world that does not slow down for anyone.
Here is the reframe: discipline is not punishment. Discipline is teaching young people to regulate their emotions so they can function as adults. And that is exactly what every young person - with their inherent worth intact - has the right to learn.
What you can do:
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Elementary age: Name emotions out loud as they happen. "I notice you're really frustrated right now." This is where self-regulation begins - in the smallest, most ordinary moments.
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Middle school age: When correcting behaviour, frame it as a skill: "I am teaching you how to handle this so you know what to do when I am not around."
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High school age: Talk about what emotional regulation actually looks like in real life - in jobs, in relationships, under pressure. Help youth see why it matters now.
Discovery 3: Connection Has to Come Before Correction
Not one young person I spoke with defined discipline as "getting in trouble." They described it as a supportive environment where trusted adults guide them and teach them another way. One young adult I mentored, now a surgical resident, put it this way: her mentors communicate directly when she makes an error, but the relationship is secure enough that she knows the correction is for her growth, not a judgment of her worth as a person.
When the relationship is secure, discipline builds youth up. When it is not, the same discipline tears them down. This is why connection saves lives - and why you cannot influence, guide, or reach a young person you have not first connected with.
What you can do:
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Elementary age: Before correcting, connect. Be present for even 30 seconds before addressing the behaviour. That moment of attunement changes everything.
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Middle school age: Ask one question before correcting: "What is going on for you right now?" You do not have to agree with the answer. You just need the young person to feel heard before they can hear you.
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High school age: When a teen is shutting down or pulling away, hold the relationship first. If they know you are in their corner, they can actually receive your guidance. If they feel judged, the door closes.
Discovery 4: The Research Backs Up What Young People Already Know
A meta-analysis of 150 studies found that emotional regulation skills learned early predict everything in adulthood. With those skills: higher engagement, stronger social competence, better performance. Without them: by age 38, higher rates of unemployment, depression, substance abuse, and physical illness.
When you stay calm with a struggling teen, hold a limit without breaking the connection, and show up consistently - you are not just managing a hard day. You are shaping the adult they are becoming.
What you can do:
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Elementary age: Start now. It is not too early to expect young kids to wait, to calm down, and to recover after a hard moment. These are learnable skills.
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Middle school age: Remind yourself in the moment: "I am not just managing behaviour right now. I am raising an adult." That shift in perspective changes the response.
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High school age: Help teens make the link between their current choices and their future life - not as a lecture, but as a real conversation between two people who both care about the outcome.
Discovery 5: Safety Is the Prerequisite - and Trusted Adults Create It
If a young person does not feel safe - relationally, physically, or emotionally - the discipline will not land. When my own daughter was small, I sent her to her room for a timeout. She was terrified. That was bad parenting on my part, because she was not emotionally safe in that moment and the consequence made things worse. My son loved timeouts. Same tool, completely different impact on two different kids.
So before you respond to any misbehaviour, ask yourself one question: Does this young person feel safe right now? Relationally - do they know they are cared for no matter what this moment looks like? Emotionally - can they make mistakes without being shamed? If the answer is no, build connection first. If the answer is yes, correct with calm and care. That is how discipline becomes what it is supposed to be: guidance towards self-regulation, not punishment.
What you can do:
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Elementary age: Model emotional regulation out loud: "I am frustrated right now, so I am going to take a breath before I respond." Kids learn by watching the adults around them do the very thing being asked of them.
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Middle school age: Sit beside them before you correct. Presence signals safety. Your body language says "I am still on your side" before your words even begin.
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High school age: When a teen is withdrawing or shutting down, repair the relationship before attempting to correct the behaviour. Discipline without connection does not work. It never has.
Young People Are Asking for Something We Can Give Them
The kids and young adults in my research were not asking for fewer limits. They were not asking to be let off the hook. They were asking to be guided, prepared, and seen as people with inherent worth - even in their worst moments, especially in their worst moments.
When a teen shuts down, when they push away, when they act out - what looks like defiance is often pain. What looks like disrespect is often fear. Underneath the behaviour is a question they do not know how to ask: Am I still worth fighting for?
The answer is always yes. And the way we show them is not through the perfect consequence. It is through connection - steady, calm, consistent connection - that makes everything else possible.
Listen to the Full Episode
Dr. Suzanne Simpson breaks down all five discoveries and shares the one question that changes how you respond to the young people in your life, on the Get On Their Turf podcast:
YouTube: What Teens Actually Need When They Misbehave - It's Not Punishment
Apple Podcasts: What Teens Actually Need When They Misbehave - It's Not Punishment
Spotify: What Teens Actually Need When They Misbehave - It's Not Punishment
Disclaimer: Please note that the contents of this blog are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only.
Dr. Suzanne Simpson is an educator with 30 years of experience in classrooms, alternative schools, and a psychiatric unit for adolescents. Her doctoral research focused on supporting the mental health and wellness of young people. She hosts the Get On Their Turf podcast and provides resources for parents and educators at www.drsuzannesimpson.com